Pluck Fill Spill

This was originally written to an old friend. I decided to share.

I often stand in front of the new poetry section at the library. I read their titles, their names on their binding like breath taking form on ribs. I wait for the shelves to breathe so they can expand, open, and spill all their words into the air as a million whispers, laughs, cries, and screams.

I rarely pluck one out.

When I do I am usually disappointed.

I stood there this past Monday and fingered the ribs. I pulled one out titled, “Silverchest” by Carl Phillips. I read one poem and checked it out.

One poem. It whispered to me and stirred my depths. Words formed in my mind. By the time I reached my car I had to pull out the “receipt” and write on the back.

Afterward, I thought (as I often think), “What is creativity, really?” Those thoughts, those words, all of the poems over all the years… even when I try to shut them down… (why shut them down you ask) start with very little thought on my part. They come like waves or wind... sometimes massive snow drifts.

Is my job to put them into some tangible form that makes sense to others? Do they even need to make sense? For years now I have been in the mindset of “Why bother?”

Perhaps, because, it is actually the only activity that makes sense.

Be inspired. Create. Share. Inspire others.

 

Water and Light

I just began to read "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I literally just finished the introduction when I became aware of words in my mind.  As soon as I became aware of them they ceased and began to fade fast. I immediately wrote them down in the front of the book.  I had nowhere else to write in the short amount of time the words passed through.

"Somewhere along the lighted pool expands thought..."

The words came like the imprints of a water bug's legs as they skim the surface.

I wrote them down and went to the next chapter. From the third paragraph Julia Cameron says, "If you think of the universe as a vast electrical sea in which you are immersed and from which you are formed, opening to your creativity changes you from something bobbing in that sea to a more fully functioning, more conscious, more cooperative part of that ecosystem."

01/17/13

Mirror

When I look into a mirror I do not always see the lines and curves, the jaw and chin, the stained teeth and the little hairs sprouting where they need not be.

Sometimes when I look into the mirror I see beyond the face, the eyes, and the lips.

Instead I see into space so vast and full that the entire universe fits behind my pupil.

1/6/2012 Dream Less. Do More.

I have declared 2013 to be the year when I "dream less and do more". It isn't just about a bucket list. It is about changing my life. It isn't about changing me but about allowing me to come out, to live, to play. I have simply been too dang serious for the last... crap... ten years.

What have I done since 1/1/2013?

- Walked the dog in 10 degree weather. She does not seem to be phased by the temperature at all.

- Left a freshly adorned shirt on even after I spilled coffee on it and then went to town in it

- Started to reread "Women Who Run With Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

- Finished "Blink" by Michael Gladwell

- Made Green Thai Chili with turmeric rice for dinner

- Chased a mouse around with a bucket and a broom while in my pj's

- Signed up for a class on the relationship between art and spirituality

Included in goals are:

- Do one thing everyday that I normally would not do

- Do things I say I want to do but up to this point have made excuses against

- Say "yes" more - particularly to something that sounds ridiculous (but still legal)

- Write, create, and grow

Drawing of potential ceramic project. 

1/1/2013

As the New Year begins...

I will invest more time in me and who I am. 

I will work to do more of what inspires me, what I find important, and what makes me happy.

I will work towards achieving the goals I had as a child. 

I will care less about what others think and more about how I feel.

I will eat better, not because I am deemed "fat" but because I want to.

I will exercise, not because I should but because I want to run a race with a friend, hike mountains with my dog, climb Machu Pichu, and keep up with my niece.

I will say "yes" more, whine less, and try to banish the word "should" from my vocabulary.

I will dream less and do more.

"Distant Perceptions" Ceramic Piece by Charity Christofferson 

Forward, Backward, In-between

Perception is a strong beast.

Odd Freedom

Here is the world at your feet

sod and stone

light that once shone

off the track

none

here

knows you

none here

cares to

there's odd freedom
in that

A Tractor May Work

I buried myself years ago. I have found the spot and started taking away the top soil but I think it may take one of these to do the rest of the job.

The Sign on My Door

I live very near a church... underneath it, in fact.

You see, my grandparents were pastors. My grandfather a pastor and carpenter. He built his own church and downstairs at the back end he built in a workshop. This workshop then became an office and eventually an odd, yet comfy, little apartment.

My grandfather passed away when I was a child but my grandmother kept the church and only retired some years ago. She now rents the church to a pastor and his parishioners...

who keep knocking on my door trying to convert me.

After three conversations at the door (with me in my PJ's) as well as several lovely pamphlets left for me to read, I decided to take a stand.

So, it has been a long long time...

duff reminded me that it has been two years since I last wrote here. Indeed, it has been a long time since I wrote at all. Time to remedy that.

I will have something to write about in the near future. Even if my only reader is you, duff. :)

Door to Door for EWB

I spent yesterday afternoon slipping and sliding on driveways, playing with neighborhood dogs and going door to door asking for donations. This is not a normal Saturday afternoon activity for me. I was lucky to have an experienced member of the group show me the ropes and explain the project to people in a clear and concise manner.

What project would get me out in the snow looking for money?

I have recently joined a group of MSU students on campus called Engineers Without Borders. No, I am not an engineer. I am a geographer working towards a second degree in sociology. I fit in because this group is a mix of students with a variety of backgrounds who are interested in long term sustainable development that provides a broader world perspective. In this particular case we work together to establish a long term relationship with Kenyan communities in order to put in hand pump wells and compost latrines at the local schools.

Why?

Currently, female students miss hours of class while fetching water. The water they fetch is often unclean and causes illnesses which increases time away from class for both them and their classmates. The latrines that are utilized are unsanitary and contribute not only to illnesses but also to ground water contamination. The hope is to not only put in sustainable wells and compost latrines but also empower the communities to take a more active role in addressing their needs.

One pump costs close to$15,000 U.S. just for the drilling and materials. Our goal has been to raise $350 a week and work on obtaining some large grants. We have about 15 students working diligently on these goals. We also have some informational meetings and fundraising events coming up.

If you are interested in donating, giving fundraising ideas or simply asking more questions- drop me a line. I will post updates and upcoming events as well.

Call Smokey!

If you read yesterday's blog you will remember that I wished my friend Scott, the professional fire performer, safety as he played with flames. I still wish him safety but think I was the one that was receiving a warning from some unseen power.

This evening, I came home after a longer than usual day at work. I turned on the computer and then began to methodically boil frozen ravioli, bake garlic bread, and open a can of cheater sauce (I know, I know, homemade is better). At some point I set the lid to one of the pans on a burner, I set an oven mitt on top of this lid, and I turned on (what I thought was) the other burner. I then proceeded to talk to my sis, check my email and as I was playing with the TV antennae I realized that something was burning.

Not slightly burning- oh no- on fire. There was smoke billowing into my living room. I am sure I exclaimed some profanity out loud before, during and after running into the kitchen and throwing the flaming oven mitt into the sink for a dowsing of water. I also used a different oven mitt to toss the lid in the sink too. I then opened all my windows…

…to no avail.

The fire alarm went off. Not my little (yet annoyingly effective) apartment fire alarm but the building fire alarm. I quickly turned off all burners, the oven, etc, put on my shoes, made sure nothing was still flaming, and headed down 6 flights of stairs and into a crowd of neighbors; very few of whom have I actually met.

As I walked towards them I said, "It is my fault! I am sorry! I was cooking and I caught an oven mitt on fire…" We had to stand there while the loud building fire alarm (complete with flashing blue light) went on and on. I chatted with my next door neighbor, who gave me a hug. She and the guy who lives down the hall were very consoling and tried to make me feel better. I did have to declare several times to several different people in front of the crowd that yes, it was me and I caught an oven mitt on fire and yes the fire was out and no there should not be a fire in my room. This all whil everyone stood out in the cold until the firemen arrived in full garb with their sirens wailing.

I commented to a gal I was talking to that this was the most ruckus I had ever caused in my whole life (I have been a part of a bigger ruckus but that was not my fault… and it happened to involve a fire alarm as well come to think of it). I also had to announce to the fire men and all those around what apartment number I lived in so that they could locate the cause. While mentioning where I lived, I announced to the crowd that they could slide any letters of grievance under my door.

The firemen came, they went up the stairs, they came back down the stairs, they needed my key. Yes, they had axes but keys are more civilized. They went up the stairs, came back down the stairs, declared the apartment safe, and we went up the stairs. A fireman awaited me at the door and told me that I "did the right thing by getting that mitt under water." I am sure he was not trying to reassure me of my idiocy but was trying to cheer me up. I thought, "Brilliant! I remembered something I learned in kindergarten! Water puts fire out. Go me!"

As I entered my apartment, leaned my head out my door and offered my floor mates the option of using my Oust if they needed a little help getting the stench of charred 100% cotton and algodon out of their nostrils.

I had no takers. The guy down the hall laughed.

I went inside to try to eat the meal I had begun to prepare. The ravioli needed boiling, the bread wasn't done, and the sauce was still unopened.Still, in the end, I had burnt bread, and chewy ravioli with the cheese all but boiled out of it.

mmmmm… now, that was tasty.

What did I learn from this? Never ever buy the frozen round whole wheat raviolis. I think the spirits of long dead Italian chefs gathered to curse me for purchasing and then attempting to first cook and then *gasp* eat such a delicacy imposter.

On a positive note- my apartment no longer smells like fish.

I think tomorrow night, I will order delivery.

*** and yes, there is a pic of the burnt mitt on my picture site-- mwendepics***

Yesterday's Interesting Events

1) It has become a habit for me to turn the computer on first thing every morning. Today, I got up, hit the on button, went in the other room, and came back to find my computer already on my homepage. All I did was turn it on.

.2) After showering I went in to change and checked what time it was on my cell phone only to find that it had logged itself into my Verizon account online. There are approximately five steps that it had to take on its own to get to that point. I am beginning to wonder about my electronics and if they have minds of their own.

3) When I came home from classes I opened the door to the everlasting smell of fish in my apartment. It has been a week since we made fish tacos and yet I can not get rid of the smell. I have burned candles and incense and even opened windows in cold temps. Nothing works. I even jokingly called Bill and asked him if he left dead fish under my couch as a parting gift. Even though he thought that would have been a good idea he commented that he hadn't been brilliant enough to think of that while he was in town.

4) So, I went to Target to get some Oust to cover up the scent of the fish and found myself talking about lotion with some lady in the isle o' lotions. Although the conversation was a bit strange it was not as odd as the time I found myself comparing and contrasting the cost of tampons with a girl from one of my previous classes that I had just ran into… you know where...

5) After wandering around Target a bit I found myself at the check out isle where I had a discussion with check out gal about if I should get Oust or the cheaper Renuzit brand of deodorizer. We eventually decided to go for the Oust because we had not heard anything about the Renuzit. Embarrassingly, she rang up all my items and then I discovered the absence of my wallet.

6) I ran home, got the wallet, returned to Target, purchased my items, returned home, prepared dinner, got dinner in the oven, and sat down to read my newly purchased Fitness magazine only to discover that someone had ripped the, "Buddy Up For A Better Body – Great moves to try with any partner" out of the magazine. Granted, I bought the magazine mainly for the Salmon Cakes with Creamy Ginger-Sesame Sauce recipe in the Heart Healthy Eating section (oh and the What Works Best for My Belly work out was runner up… really), but still… I felt ripped off… even a bit violated. I cheered up once I realized it was probably some poor starving college student who needed some ideas on how to spice V-day up with his/her significant other. Obviously, they needed that section more than I did… right?

7) While typing this last sentence (probably not exact) I did something and something happened and I lost everything I wrote. No kidding. Ask my sis. She got to see me type cuss words into MSN instant messenger.

8) AND Just now, I typed over MSN instant messenger "scott" and up came the symbol of a little stick man dumping gasoline all over himself and lighting himself on fire. Interestingly, my friend Scott is actually a professional fire performer… Scott- please be careful out there!

Crunch-Crunch Pant-Pant

Last night, I went out to get the Diet Coke that I forgot IN my car. The sun was down and the parking lot lights were on. I did not have a coat on because it made it into the thirties yesterday and was still above twenty when I went out. It was one of those thoughtful nights. Quiet. Parking lot lights on the snow. No one around. Darkness hanging on the fringes more like a warm blanket than a dark drape.

I grabbed the Diet Coke and turned to see a man and a woman running with their dogs. They ran through the lit parking lot, their tennied feet making little crunching sounds, their dogs pleased as punch that they are so blessed to have parents that run (and with other people and dogs!), and the human voices passing with seeming easy between one another as the only sound in the night besides the crunch crunch and pant pant.

They were talking about how they like to eat their eggs. They were on a date. A running date, 7pm at night, in the snow, with their dogs, and talking about eggs.

I smiled to myself and said a little blessing for them before I went inside. All the way up the elevator I wanted someone there to chat with me about how we like our eggs. Funny, a 5 second window into someone else's life, a stranger's even, can tell us much about ourselves...

How I Spent the Morning of My 30th B-day

I spent my morning reading this book while waiting for my turn to get a mammo. The imaging center I went to was really nice and had more of a spa feel to it than a hospital. There were fountains in the lobby and I was given I nice robe to wear while in the waiting room outside the imaging rooms. I even had the option of tea and coffee with cookies to eat while I awaited my own private torture session. See the little stickers? Had to use those to mark parts. The people were actually really nice and all went well. It hurt- but I got a clean bill from the radiologist and advice to do monthly breast self-examines as well as follow up with my doctor.

As for the book- it is really good- and I suggest everyone pick up a copy and educate themselves on some of the realities of immigration to the U.S.

Sunday Morning Blues

Ok- so I don't really have the blues but I liked that title better than- Sunday Morning Smiling - or something perkier. Besides- I have a great song by the Kings of Leon called "Day Old Blues" (which reminds me of how I am feeling today)stuck in my head.

If you have ever heard it (if you haven't you should- it is on the album Aha Shake Heartbreak released 2/22/05) you know that it is mellow and blue-ish but also celebratory.

After all, having the blues can also bring catharsis.

by and by - check out my new blog for photos - there should be a link to the right.

Count Cosmos

This is my friend the Beta- in techno-color.

WIll and Destiny

I just finished writing a friend who returned not long ago from leading a group of 15 kids on a trip in Costa Rica. It was a difficult journey that ended with everyone sick in the airport on the way home. It has been almost a week and I think he is just now coming down from the adrenaline associated with being on 24/7 crisis mode.

I sit behind my laptop and imagine him now, at his van down by the river, living a life that most of us only dream of- rafting and exploring opportunities where his soul and powers that be take him- following his dreams and heart... wondering what is next as he looks at the waters of the American River with a journal and pen in hand, or maybe a fly rod and water up to his knees...

As I wrote to him I thought of a quote I recently read.

"The coincidences and themes that have repeated themselves throughout my experiences have given me faith that there exists a thread of destiny that runs through our lives. Sometimes it has been just the right person showing up at just the right time, or perhaps a specific incident that would guide me toward a certain decision or action, or the sudden appearance of financial help when it was most needed; these patterns convince me that life is inspired and driven by forces larger than our individual egos. At the same time I do believe will is a determinate force in shaping one's future. Both will and destiny court each other in an odd sort of dance, weaving synchronicities...that confirm one is headed in the right direction." -Renee Askins Shadow Mountain: A Memoir of Wolves, A Woman, and the Wild

I would add- or in the wrong direction.

And I wonder what role faith and hope have with destiny and will. Surely the first two feed the second two. When will becomes weak it can only feed off hope and faith.

Nathan, and many others in my life, reinforce my hope and faith which in turn cultivate my will to move forward with belief that there is a reason, a destiny, and a life with meaning.

As I sit behind my laptop outside in the evening breeze with crickets beckoning me into the fields- I think of Nathan and many others that I love. I send blessings their way...and yours.

Sunday Morning Excitement

I have a love for coffee that has grown since I was the tender age of 6 and sipping out of a styrofoam cup given to me by my father (per my request) after church one day. I have the distinct memory of the taste of that coffee. Somehow, even at six, I paralleled the experience with drinking Castrol 10w50.

Since then my taste buds have changed either due to actual development for the taste or because my body has developed an addiction. Either way, I woke up this morning with an excited enthusiastic drive to grind the whole Kenyan coffee beans, put them in the French press, and then experience the satisfaction of pouring hot water over the granules and adding my own vanilla flavoring to signify my disentanglement from the local coffee dealers.

"$3.50 a pop for a vanilla latte no more!" I thought as I put the tea kettle on the back burner and turned the knob to 'H' for high. In the process I moved a blue plastic ice tray from the burner where the tea kettle now sat to the one next door, and satisfied that I had saved the tray, I sat down to instant message duff while she dj-d from the other side of the continent.

It was long before I heard the pleasant burbling of water which spurred a quiet and happy anticipation..."Aw... soon I will have coffee..." but soon this was replaced with... "There is no steam emanating from the tea pot.." and I went to the stove to find this:



As you can see... it was melting and bubbling and began to smoke and spew. My sister jumped up, while I stood there saying, "Oh Crap! Oh Crap!" and immediately grabbed a spatula and scooped the pieces off the stove and into the sink before running to the fire alarm and unplugging it.

I began to strategically place fans throughout the apartment, open all the windows, and laugh uncontrollably. Beth was laughing too. We eventually did get our cups of vanilla flavored freshly ground and French-pressed coffee with cream... sadly, one ice cube tray had to die for the cause.

Demolition of McDonald Pass Disc Golf Course

My favorite local disc golf course is McDonald Pass. As you see from the link, it is, or WAS, the oldest course in the state of Montana. It is also one of the more beautiful courses I have ever played. In the spring there are still snow drifts to go along with the creek, marsh, tree, and barb wire fence hazards. One can stop and look at the variety of flora as they come alive after the winter abates and then watch the variety of wildflowers, birds, and wildlife that can be seen there in that seemingly cut off from the world folf course in the mountains as they change through summer, fall, and back into winter.

Rumors had been circulating that the course was going to be taken down even though it is one of the most popular disc golf courses in the state, the sight of the Continental Divide Tournament, and a place for people of all ages to come and spend time in a gorgeous Rocky Mountain environment. No specific reason has been given, that I know of, and we had all hoped that these rumors were just rumors.

Unfortunately, they are not. This evening, my sister went with one of our close friends to play a round of disc golf only to come back in a state of distress because it is being torn down. She said they couldn’t finish their game and they left in tears.

In a city, state, (heck) country that is facing problems with obesity, disconnect with nature, depression, teenage delinquency, and over all disconnect from one another and our natural environment; why the hell would you take down a disc golf course that offers a place of sanctuary for people from all different age, economic, and cultural backgrounds? Why take down a place that gives kids and adults something constructive to do outdoors that is cheap (free) and a good alternative to watching tv, doing drugs, or hanging out on street corners?

I find it ironic that on the same weekend the city of Helena is having anti-meth workshops with kids they are tearing down an environment necessary to keep kids and adults off meth, off the streets, and physically active.

On top of that, it is one more thing that makes this town appealing that is being destroyed.